#2 for #4

Felicity has another ear infection.  She has been fussy (sigh) but it's impossible to say she is MORE fussy or LESS fussy, she's just a fussy old person!  But the thing that seems consistent when she's sick with these ear infections is that she's awake in the night.  I was talking to my friend Rachael yesterday when Mike was at the doctor and the girls were with my mother.  I only mention that I was alone in the house because I don't think it's happened since I've been home from the hospital and that's weird.  It makes me unable to think or process anything.  Like, I was saying to Rachael, "she was up for 2.5 hours last night, and she wasn't fussy, so I don't think it's another ear infection.  She would just drink from the bottle and then stop after a very short time".  Rachael was like, um, like maybe it BOTHERED her to suck on the bottle?  DUH.  As we were talking, I thought, holy crap, I bet she has another one! and sure enough she does.

Our pediatrician, who is a pretty good age, said he can count on ONE HAND the times he's seen a baby this small with two ear infections.  Really?  Really, world?  It's like I can't count on anything.  I can't just KNOW something and KNOW how to be a mother.  It's very annoying and frustrating.

Anyways, we are on day two of the antibiotic, which I try twice a day to get into her gullet but it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE.  She hoardes it and spits it right out.  I wonder if she has trouble getting anything in her.  Like, she couldn't nurse well and she's a MESS with the bottle and now the antibiotic.  I mean, I could see with an older baby, who would consciously try to spit it out but she's not doing that.  It's like she holds everything in the back of her throat and then it just runs out of her mouth.  I've decided that if she has another ear infection before she's six months old I'm going to take her to a Pediatric ENT doctor.  I HATE the thought of someone poking around in there if it's not anything but I am not a person who is going to wait and see anymore.

But I will say this for her tenth (eleventh?) week:  she is getting smilier and nicer.  It's not often, but it's sometimes that she will smile and just ... be there, without being upset and it is so nice.  It can really go a long way.  Also I'm grateful that if I'm not going to sleep, I can at least have as much caffeine as I want.

Today I'm home with the girls and Felicity has been sleeping on her own long enough so I could shower and get dressed and write this, so that's good, especially considering the fact that Maria is so freaking loud that even if she's downstairs, rooms away, her piercing voice goes right through the center of your head and makes you want to jump out the window to get away from it.  Or perhaps that's just me.

Breastfeeding

So, it's been like three full weeks, maybe four, since I've stopped breast feeding.  The first week I was so miserable, I was still sick, and then Felicity was sick, and I couldn't really think about it too much.

So what happened was, to review, breastfeeding was rough in the hospital.  Felicity had a rough entrance, she had meconium, (sp) so they wanted to pull out her head first but they ... couldn't find it?  There was a LOT of fluid, I guess, more than the doctor thought there would be, so they had to make the incision bigger (Mike saw the OB ask for scissors (!)), and then they finally had to use the vacuum to get her out.  She was breathing funny and was TIRED for the whole rest of the day, so I didn't think anything of the fact that she was pretty bad at nursing.

Late on the first day that I was there, that she was born, she finally latched on and I remember I texted Mike to tell him it went okay.  She kept nursing and nursing but what seemed strange was that she never really would relax with me, only with Mike did she do that kind of passed-out sleeping that newborns do.  The lactation consultant came in and was kind of rough with me, physically, and she also kind of told me how to calm a fussy baby, which Ha ha ha BOO HOO I know how to do!  I realized that she would relax with Mike when he would put his finger in her mouth.  It was all very mysterious.  Thank GOD my recovery was fine, I was FINE, but I was worried about this nursing thing and how fussy she was.  So anyways, the last day we called the LC and she came in and figured out that she had the bubble palate and couldn't get her mouth IN enough to feel that she was nursing, nor to make ME feel like I was nursing and needed to produce more milk.  So we got a nursing shield, she started nursing, everything was great.

She didn't gain much weight between the hospital and one week, or two weeks, but she was gaining which was, I thought, all that mattered.  Then she lost three ounces between weeks four and six and that's when I started supplementing.  I was giving her bottles of formula and then nursing and after one week, she started refusing to nurse.  I tried to work with a (super nice) lactation consultant but I was still so sick and I just couldn't pump every two hours.  I wasn't getting anything and let's face it - I can't get that long to myself, I just can't, not that often.  I tried pumping for like two days, and wrestling with her to get her to nurse, to 'win her back' to the breast, as the LC said, but it was just not working and I was going insane. I mean really insane.  So it sounds lame but I prayed on it and I just decided I had to stop and start giving her formula only.  Logically I felt okay about it but emotionally it was very difficult.  I'm sort of tearing up NOW writing about it!  Sheesh!

It's hard.  You are dealing with such hormonal changes and also feelings of failure and worry because your LITTLE BABY has LOST WEIGHT, ugh, I was just beyond sad about it.  Also as I think I said I kept feeling like I didn't have a baby anymore and I was feeling all this LOSS and she was RIGHT THERE.  Also, she is a fussy poo, so she had to be held so much and right on my sore chest, so it was like literally being kicked when I was down.  Kicked in the boobs!

I know that it's the best thing for us.  I know that it's my responsibility to feed that baby.  She is so much happier now and gaining weight and just ... better. She is better because we decided to give her formula and I am fine with that.

I am writing this because I read this blog post which talks about this (horrible, to me) article in the (hated, by me) Atlantic.  I hated that article because I hated the way the writer talked about breast feeding and also pumping.  Ugh, I just hated it, I can't articulate it well but she was hateful, to me.  Also, as a stay at home mother, what the hell else did I have going on but breast feeding?  It has always been free, to me, to breast feed, and it's one of the things I hate the most now.  I can't believe I have to pay for all this formula!  I have very conflicted feelings about breast feeding, I had a very hard time with Anthony, and ended up having to pump.  One time a friend of mine said, "why in the WORLD did you keep doing it, then?  If it was so hard?".  She was super accusatory and I started to cry (of COURSE) when I answered because the reason I kept doing it was because it felt like the only thing I could do to help that fussy, crazy, screaming child.  When I would nurse him in the night, in the dark, he was so sweet and good.  He was gaining weight like crazy and I thought, well, at least I can do this for him.  I could not have given that up.

Maria was a great nurser - she was!  She would nurse for three minutes a side.  Veronica was not as good, and I used to tell her, to cheer myself up, "I'ma let you finish nursing, Veronica, but Maria was the best nurser of all tiiiiime".  That's a Kanye West/Taylor Swift joke.  What can I say, I have to amuse myself in some way, I am often the only person with whom I am speaking.

Anyways.  If anyone ever asks me, and they do, I tell them that I think a person should do everything they can to breast feed if that's what they want to do.  I tell them the first two weeks are terrible and should not be counted in one's experience.  But I also say if it's not working, and your baby is not getting the food that he or she needs to SURVIVE, then for God's sweet sake, switch to supplementing or full time formula and never look back.

Since I've been bottle feeding, nobody has given me any guff about it and I'm glad.  I really think I'd go insane on someone that questioned why I was formula feeding.  It was too hard to decide to do it and I've cried too much about it to not really beat the hell out of someone who assumed that I hadn't really thought about it.  So I hope no one does.  I do not have time to be beating anyone up at ballet or whatever, ha!

Depressing

Ugh, this Felicity is sleeping like CRAP!  I'm sure she's just adjusting, but man.  She was doing well for like two nights and now it's a wreck again.  I barely remember what happen last night, she slept for a long time from like 4:00-8:00.  It's like she's having her first long stretch way too early in the evening and then she's just up the rest of the time.  We lay her down around 8:00 so we could finally eat dinner, it took her a while but she fell asleep and stayed down.  She woke up before 10:00 and Mike gave her her medicine and a bottle and came back after maybe 45 minutes?  This is where the bottle thing sucks, by the way - if I was nursing her, she'd barely wake up and I could just lay her back down, but it's SUCH a rigamarole with the bottle, it takes forever every time she's up.  Anyways.

So she went down around 10:45 I guess and then was back up at 1:00 or 1:30.  I went in and I was in there with her until like 3:15!  The hell?  She was fussing, I had to STAND UP and ROCK HER for a long time.  The nipple on the bottle was too big and I had to take her downstairs to get another one, ugh.  Then Mike got up with her at some point after I lay her down, I don't know because I passed out.  He gave her to me at like 6:30, I think and then we were up.  So.  Not good.

I've been trying to lie her down for naps, which is going okay but these damned sisters of hers are so noisy.  Today they were watching Strawberry Shortcake on the computer in my room, across the hall from the nursery and of course they were slamming the door, crying, screaming, etc.  So.  That's not good either.

Mike and I are so tired we can't even see.  Everyone gets short tempered and by everyone I mean ME.  I am hateful and horrible and so, so impatient with everyone else.  Last night I sort of PUNCHED the bassinet!  Please NOTE, there was no one in the bassinet at the time.  I am just supremely tired and frustrated.

But one thing I am not is depressed.  I am very lucky because so many women do suffer from Post Partum Depression but I am not one of them.  If I was, we would all be in trouble, because these are some DAMNED depressing circumstances.  It's easy to be sad in circumstances like this, to feel sorry for yourself, to have a giant crisis of faith, which is what I'm having.  But I'm not depressed.  I don't feel out of control, I don't feel dangerous to me or others.

I have a friend whose sister just had a baby, her first.  And she posted on Facebook and said why is the first baby so hard?  So a bunch of her friends commented, some of them are my friends too, and there was general consensus that the first one is hard because it's so much all at once, you have never done it before, it's a big deal, etc.  We said it's so hard when someone is screaming in your face to ENJOY it, yet everyone seems to think that you should be ENJOYING your BLESSING.  That is just stupid, in my opinion.  Anyways, it was a regular conversation, comments about everyone's experience and then some girl said how her FIRST wasn't the bad one, it was her THIRD!  And my friend who originally posted this is about to have her THIRD!  And the girl was all, "ha ha, I'm sure it won't be that way for you!".  Ugh.  I don't know why as women and mothers we have to spend so much freaking time trying to scare the hell out of other friends and mothers.  It bugs the HELL out of me.

THEN someone else posted and said that you should always ENJOY this TIME because it goes so fast!  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY?  It does not!  Time cannot go by fast when you are awake for 20 hours out of 24.  Time cannot go by fast when you are always so scared that something might happen.  You have to put the baby to sleep on their back, you have to measure out the formula with such precision, you have to pick the baby up, no wait, you should let the baby cry, no wait you are spoiling the baby, no wait, you can't spoil a baby.  Sheesh.  Yes, that does sound joyful, doesn't it?  Lord. Lord, Lord.

So.  I am not a person who gets depressed - ACTUALLY depressed, like chemical depression that needs to be treated medically.  But it's a good damned thing that I'm not because some people in this world behave in a way that is VERY DEPRESSING.

Better, Now

So.   Of course she had an ear infection and that's why she was so crazed on Sunday night.  Thank GOD I had that appointment anyway, for a weight check, because I don't think I would have guessed ear infection.  Only Anthony's ever had one, and he was four, and he's, well, Anthony, so it's not a good comparison to a seven week old Felicity.  She had a temp but only 99.5 when we got to the ped, so I never would have known.  It's not like she points to her ear!  Anyways, she has been taking antibiotics for a few days and she is, just like her doctor said, like a different baby.

I told my sister today, maybe she isn't fussy like the others?  Maybe she was a) hungry and b) sick for the first eight weeks?  Who knows.  Anyways, she is napping and ON HER OWN in her BASSINET so I am not complaining!  For once!

Sunday

We have had a very, verrrrry rough day with Felicity. It's 9:22 and she has been in bed for like 10 minutes and it's the first time she's made it that long since before 7:00! 7:00!

It's so, so hard. It's easier now that I'm healthy but it's still the hardest thing I've ever done. I get soooo mad, and of course not at her but at God and life in general. I am just praying that this stage passes and that we can make it. I would deeply appreciate any prayers.

Sleepy

This was taken at the lactation consultant's office last week. I drove over there and she was wide awake. The hospital parking lot was PACKED, I had to wait for a space like it was the mall on Black Friday or some bs. I finally got one far, far away from the door and it was super cold and windy, so I ran her in with that blanket over her. I was waiting for the admitting girl to take me and this old bag cut her eyes at me and she said "is that baby SICK?" and I said, no, she's fine, she's just fussy because of course she was crying. And she said, my granddaughter was sick but she had COLIC. And I thought what do you think this baby has, you dummy? But whatever, I said, it's challenging, that's for sure. She said "I was afraid she was SICK!". I was so mad! First of all, it was a HOSPITAL, I mean, what do you expect? And second of all, stop saying it! And third of all, I wanted to go over to get right up in her face and say, the baby's not sick, but guess who is? ME! And then I wanted to cough in her face and lick her eyeballs. Ha, but I didn't.

Jeez, that is not the point of this picture. Apparently, the sign in process took it out of our sweet Felicity because we got up there and I laid her down to take her outfit off to weigh her and she was OUT like a LIGHT. Nobody of mine has ever laid down like this with their arms above their head. I always think it's so cute and I never have seen any of mine do it. So I took it as a sign from God that maybe I couldn't have a fourth baby who could nurse and who would stop screaming but at least I could have this one moment where she looked so happy and rested.

I don't know if it's true or not, but that's my story.

Six Weeks

Felicity is six weeks old, actually six weeks and one day but this picture is from yesterday. I didn't take her five week picture and normally I'd just take it the day after but I figure it's best if we all forget last week.

She's not nursing at all anymore, and I'm not pumping, so she's getting all formula, all the time. I KNOW that there is nothing wrong with this. But I am still sort of heartbroken about it, and I don't know when I won't be. I never, ever thought that my time bf'ing her would be over so soon and I guess I sort of thought I'd know when I was DONE. I've been able to choose with the other three, and it is very shocking to just not be nursing anymore. I am taking sinus medication for my wicked, long lasting sickness and I keep feeling SO weird about it, like HOW can I be taking sinus medication? I can have as many cups of coffee as I want? I don't have to drink a gallon of water a day? It's bizarre, it somewhat feels like I don't have a baby anymore and even though that's not the case, it's such a sad thought it stays with me, a little.

It's getting better every day. She is doing so great with it, she takes a bottle pretty well, she is gaining weight. She is ... not happier, but she seems less nervous. I've been doing laundry for days and I am putting away all my nursing clothes (I just bought a BUNCH, grrr, but as sweet Mike says, it's just money) and it's getting better. But it's not great and I wish it hadn't gone down like this but what can you do? It was a bad combination of a baby with a bad suck, a sick old mother, and a lack of information from the lactation consultant. I'm lucky that she is taking the formula okay and that it even exists.

She will be fine, I know. And I will too! I mean, here's the thing:  it sucks to care for someone all day who is always yelling in your face.  But it's not like she's being vindictive.  I guess I have learned through four fussy babies, it's not their fault and also, it passes.  So we are counting on it.  We know it will get better.  We're okay.  So don't worry, Aunt Joan! :)

News

Felicity is gaining weight, she was 10 lbs., 12 oz. this morning.  It's all from the formula I guess.  I am still sick so I don't know if it will be better when I get better.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me that I could use the neti pot and he gave me a prescription for a nasal spray - he said I have bad sinusitis.  So.  That stinks.  There is nothing I can take because I am breastfeeding, and it seems so STUPID because the fact that I am breastfeeding her isn't helping her at all.  Someone recommended that I just quit but I can't, yet.  I mean, I intended to do it for a year.  I don't want to buy a year full of formula.  I don't want to have her be the fourth and the only one that I didn't breastfeed.  She has it bad enough, I don't want her feelings to be hurt because I didn't try hard enough with her.

Although why I care about her feelings I don't know.  I am sitting in my room with the stupid VACUUM running, with her in the sling.  I had to come up and vacuum the upstairs because a) it was dirty, what with every ninny in this house dropping whatever the hell where they are and b) she has been EXTREMELY fussy.  Now that I'm vacuuming and working hard and my head is killing me though, she is happy and sleeping.  Irony, thy name is parenting.

One Month

One month old already! We are having a disappointing week around here. I took Felicity to the doctor for her four week checkup and she had lost three ounces, down to 9 lbs., 2 oz., from 9 lbs., 5 oz. You could have knocked me over with a FEATHER, I was so shocked. The nurse weighed her THREE TIMES! She was extremely fussy while I was there and everyone (medical student, nurse, doctor), I felt, was looking at me like I was a loser or something for not knowing her weight would be down, that she was HUNGRY, but seriously, they are all fussy like that! None of them have ever lost weight!

I've been pretty sick, though. I went to the med check on Friday and it turns out I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I have started on antibiotics and I am hopeful that it will clear up soon. Meanwhile I have been having awful, horrible pain. I woke up Friday morning and my jaw ached so badly I figured I had broken it in the night. My head hurts all the time and every time I cough I feel like the back of my head is coming off. The ends of my hair hurt. I have never felt like this before, and when I combine it with either Felicity screaming in my ear or Anthony having a breakdown and screaming, it's ... unpleasant.

Yesterday and today, though, I am seeing flashes of a human baby in Felicity. It's like God himself is giving these flashes to me, because I am getting VERY down about how badly she is nursing. I am supplementing with formula and trying to get my supply back up and I have two weeks to get it straightened out and in the meantime I think it's not going that great and I'm afraid I'm going to irreperably damage my supply and have to go to all formula, which is just not in my plan. It's expensive, it's a pain, and I don't want to do it. So I'm sad about it but really, it's selifsh - all I care about is that we get some calories into her and get her weight up. And maybe she'll stop screaming and fussing and wouldn't that be nice. We'll see, in the mean time wish us luck!

S's

She's swaddled and sucking here, and she's about to be swung. That's right, we have another fussy infant on our hands here. How it could happen that I have gone FOUR for FOUR on fussy newborns I don't know. It really, REALLY doesn't seem fair. It also doesn't seem fair that I am so sick and that I have gotten Felicity sick. It doesn't seem fair that I have had this hacking, horrible cough for more than a month, and that I am always holding this baby and that every time I cough, which is every time I breathe practically, I bounce her around on my chest. The clear message that I am getting from having children is that LIFE ISN'T FAIR. I would like to say I KNOW! I GOT IT! OKAY ALREADY!

She has been nursing like a crazed lunatic today, hours and hours. She is SUPER fussy when she starts to nurse, bashing around at me. I still have to use that nursing shield, so it's awkward. I'm trying to pull up my shirt, pull down my nursing bra, put on the shield, hold her head and get her to nurse, all the while listening to her SCREAM and CRY. Then she starts to nurse and then she gags and makes a face like I have just stuck her face in a big bowl of poo. It's very good for the ego, sheesh.

I know it will only be THIS particular brand of rotten for a few more weeks. There is a big change at six weeks, for me, with nursing. Then maybe I'll get better at some point and that will help. Maybe SHE will get better at some point and that will help. Maybe the newborn baby smell will wear off and the girls will stop being so crazy and that will help. She'll turn 12 or 16 weeks and that will help. But for right now. It's pretty bad. It's as bad as it can be with such a cute baby. Sometimes if I am really mad or sad I just look at that cute nose and poof! I feel better. Or I try and look at her like Maria and Veronica do, like she is the best baby doll they ever had. She really is cute and she is still my favorite, don't tell anyone, because she can't help it that she's being such a jerk. She doesn't even really know where she is yet, her eye sight is still bad! Two more weeks and two more days and she'll be six weeks and then maybe things will start looking up. In the mean time, I take pictures and I keep moving. My floors are clean as hell because she likes the sling and the vacuum!

2.5 Weeks

So for two and a half weeks, I've been sleeping sitting up, holding this baby. I still like her! She can get a little fussy but so far she is pretty easily calmed down. She was fussy this morning, which was too bad as yesterday she was so sleepy and wonderful, but I put on the Sleepy Wrap and did a workout and she was out in minutes. Veronica used to go THREE MILES and still scream through the whole thing, but she may have been older. Once again, I have to acknowledge how lucky I am to be able to exercise so quickly after having MAJOR ABDOMINAL SURGERY, as everyone likes to call it. God knows I acknowledge my bad luck, I want to remember to acknowledge my good luck too and I am sincerely grateful that I have been able to get around so well from the beginning. Mike has been setting his alarm and coming downstairs at 6:00 so I can lie down on the couch for a while and I'm grateful for that too.

I posted this picture on Facebook and someone said I looked thin but I am not! I would never put up a picture of MYSELF where I looked all fat and sloppy and exhausted, I mean, who would? Not me, believe it or not, I am still kind of vain. I have to start moving again, Old Girl is waking and I don't want her to! But she is doing fine, she is nursing really well and sleeping pretty well and she is GORGEOUS and maybe I am shallow but it helps! Ha!

One week and one day

We've been home for one week and one day and it's been ... not that awful. When I think about everyone else's babyhood compared to Anthony's, they are all easier. It is a good argument, to me, for having more than one child, that it's been so much easier with subsequent babies compared to that first time. When I think about Anthony being a baby and just having NO idea what was going on, ugh, it was ROUGH. This is rough too, she never lays down on her own, I have been in the chair for over a week, etc., etc., it's just ... easier when you have done it before. Maybe everyone should have to be a night time nanny for one year before they have a baby of their own. Like how in Israel you have to be in the army, no matter what? Or like my friend Tim always says that in order to be allowed to eat in restaurants you should have to have waited tables for a year? Anyway. It's easier but still hard. I'm still tired. She is nursing very well, she has started to pee in earnest, which is good. I took her for her one week checkup this week and she was 9 lbs., 2 oz., so down 7 from birth but they are only supposed to be back at birth weight by two weeks, so hopefully we'll be there. We have to go back to the doctor on ... I can't remember, Monday or Tuesday. She is a little fussy right now, Mike is rocking her. She has her moments of fussy but they don't last too long yet. I can't help but to be hopeful that she won't be the monsters that the other ones were, but I know in order to protect myself that I should just expect it. I am trying to be nice and calm but it's not always working. It's hard to be so tired and not feel like St. Joanne, Martyr of the World.

Day Four

We were waiting to be given the go ahead to get out of the hospital. It actually went really well yesterday, very smoothly. She had a good first night and we had a crazy-ass first morning. I'm sure we'll get it together here soon. We better!

Maria Visits

I have such a love/hate for this picture. I was so tired and it was such a crazy morning. I wanted to look as normal as possible for Maria, my friend Carrie recommended that for when I HAD Maria, but everyone and their BROTHER came by my room in the 30 minutes before Mike and Maria got there. She was beyond sweet - she was nervous and funny about seeing me. She was doing that thing where she turns and shrugs her shoulders a little bit, and she was shy with me, which is so weird. But she loved the baby and she was really, really good. Then she said to Mike, "I'm ready to go!" and they did. I can't get over her smile in this picture, I wonder if I'll ever be able to look at it without crying a little. This particular time in my life is probably not the best time to judge that, ha!

Day 2

She hardly ever laid down in this bassinet but she is doing better here at home. She's lying in the bouncy seat right now! It won't last so that's all I'll say about this picture, except that she is really red in this one and she is all cleared up now.

First Night

That hat would NOT stay on her head, they never do, these poor big headed babies of mine. All the nights were the same, she nursed and slept and at some point I begged the nurse to take her to the nursery for a while so I could sleep. The first night, for me, was the roughest, since I was itching and sweating and generally wanting to take a shower, which I couldn't. The thing about having a c-section, though, and maybe just a baby, is that it gets better every day. This is just temporary, Mike kept telling me, and as usual, he was right!

Felicity Rose

I just got home today, and I don't have any pictures yet - I mean, I have pictures but not retrievable.  Anyways, Felicity Rose Beck was born at 9:58 a.m. on Monday, October 10.  She was nine pounds and nine ounces and 22 inches long.  She is doing fine, we had kind of a rough delivery and a rough few first days, but we are home and happy.  She is well loved by her sisters, that's for sure, and even Anthony paused for a few seconds to give her a look.  She is so sweet and she has cheeks for days!  I'll put up more pictures and stuff tomorrow but I keep meaning to post here and I haven't.  So here's the news!

Tomorrow

Well, it's tomorrow.  It's less than 12 hours from now!  Today I broke my tooth clean off and had to go to an emergency dentist, not once but TWICE.  Hopefully it's all fixed now and if it's not, I don't care because I can't eat again until God knows when anyway.  I am praying tonight for a healthy baby, I don't care about the sex or the name or the delivery or ANYTHING.  Please, please, let us have a healthy baby, I keep thinking.  And also, as extra prayers, I pray that my other little kids love the little baby too.  Today Maria said she wants a girl and that we should name her Carissa!  Carissa!  Where in God's name did she ever hear that?  Sheesh!

Tropical Heat Wave

OMG this heat.  This HEAT!  This heaaaaaaat!  It was a high of 80 something degrees today.  So sunshiney and hot.  HOT.  I'm hot anyway, I can't sleep with covers when it's 50 overnight AND the windows are open AND the fan is on!  HOT!

It's hot, is what I'm saying.  And it's making me miserable, because a) it's hot and b) I feel so stupid, because I was all, "I'm having an OCTOBER baby!  A FALL baby!".  I pictured leggings and sweaters.  Today I had to go get Anthony in the Jeep, which has no AC and we got stuck in terrible traffic and when I got home, I had to change my bra and shirt because they were both soaking wet.  LOVELY.

BUT tomorrow my friend Chrissy is having her baby and Monday I am having the Super Baby and I.  Can't.  Wait.  I got to this point with the others too, I especially remember with Veronica.  I'm so excited and optimistic I barely recognize myself.  I just can't wait to see this baby, to see those perfect ears.  I can't wait.  I'm so excited!

One Week

Tomorrow is the last Monday, God willing, where I'll have just three kids.  To say that I'm impatient is the understatement of all time.  Two women I know who were due AFTER me have had their babies, I saw on Facebook, and I am happy for them, SO happy, I am also so jealous and small about it.  When can I have MY baby, I want to know.  It's just because I'm sick, I know it.  I wouldn't normally be such a jerk about it, but this has been a very challenging few weeks.  Anyway, I told my sister today, I'm going to try to enjoy this week, to 'enjoy each day', as my sweet grandmother would say.  I'm going to try to get everything ready and just enjoy the time I have with my three and anticipate the fourth.  And then I'm never, ever doing this again, ha!

Oh, Baby

Oh, Baby.  I am sorry that it's always so wretched right before one of you are born!  It gets harder and harder, right?  I look back on when I was pregnant with Anthony and I just - I can't believe all the time I had, I exercised every day and if I was tired after work, I just went to bed!

It's hot as hell here, still.  I knew this summer would last forever and here's my prediction about October - it will be freezing and snowy and I won't be able to leave the house for MONTHS.  We'll see.

I had a bad doctor's appointment this week.  In fact, it was so bad that I didn't even see the doctor.  It was the same JERKSTORE that was at the hospital when I had to go last week and I didn't see him then, either.  I hate to think that all OB's that are male are jerks but so far I am at almost 100 percent.  What are you doing being an OB, anyway, I think, you FREAK?  You want a vagina of your own?  TOO BAD!  I'm still mad, I guess.  But I had a 10:00 appointment and at 10:15, when I asked how it was all looking, when hundreds of women had gone in in front of me and there was no one left in the waiting room that was there when I got there, the nurses' assistant told me that he was doing an annual, then had ONE more appointment and then me.

I love my doctor but I am not going back to that practice.  I might not even go back before I have the baby.  I am sick of being treated like this, it kills me.  And then sometimes I think, well, aren't you special?  Who are you to not have to wait an hour for the doctor, like everyone else in the world?  But here's the thing - I never have to wait for my doctor, just the times that I am seeing everyone else in the practice.  Which is GOOD FOR THEM but not GOOD FOR ME.  So who cares who I think I am.  I think I am not doing it anymore . There has to be some benefits to being an old crazy mother and this is one of them, I can go around storming through the office when they make me wait and people will just think, oh, she's super old and crazy!  It's okay!

Anyways.  The baby moves a lot, I am over my stomach flu but now I have a cold.  I also, as of today, have done something to my tooth. I had a BLT for lunch today - ooh it makes me mad, I don't even LIKE bacon but it just sounded good, so I got one.  Anyways I bit down on a piece of bacon and hurt myself.  I am taking Tylenol and before I *lay my face down on my heating pad* in case it was swelling and it's somewhat better.  I am just praying that I don't have to go to the dentist.  I don't have time.

Aaaaand now Anthony is screaming and yelling so I'm going to go and check on him.  p.s. there is no way I can do this.

Ch ch ch ch changing Table

So I bought a new changing table for the baby's room. It's cute, right? I was looking for a dresser at first, either for the baby's room or the girls' room and then I'd shift it around, but I can't find one right now. I don't want to buy a new, nice, forever dresser for these kids to ruin, and the used ones I'm finding are not great so I figured I'd buy myself some time with this piece.

What else? I went to the hospital last week. I was pretty sick, with a stomach flu type thing, for a few days. By 5:00 I was a mess, contractions, sick, and then I thought it had been a while since I felt the baby. Soooooo off we went and everything was fine, but it took like six hours to figure out. As I told the nurse when I left, I'll be back on October 10 and not one second before!

I'm very eager and impatient to meet this baby. Is it a boy or a girl? What are these kids going to think? Is this baby going to be the same grumpy ass the others have? Can I do it? We'll see. 25 days.

New stuff

Today, I drove out to a fellow Indianapolis blogger's house to meet her and take some baby stuff from her, ha!  I had given her my baby tub for when she was expecting her third and she gave it back to me, along with a super cute bouncy seat, a Hooter Hider, some nursing pads, and some wee adorable clothes.  These clothes and sleepers are JUST KILLING ME.  They are so sweet and making me long to meet this baby all the more.

Anyway, it was so nice of her to offer this stuff.  I took the girls out there and they slept on the way - they haven't been napping well but it was probably a 30 or 40 minute drive so they took a little perfect snooze.  Maria and Veronica met her kids, who are both a little older than they are, it was great.  And I got to see her little 9 week old baby Liam, who was adorable and also made me more impatient to meet whoever is coming our way.

I went to the doctor this week, I've gained no weight but FOUR centimeters of fundus.  That's a lot right?  I feel it, I feel so stretched out and pushed in the OUT direction.  I can't believe I have five more weeks.  Oh I hope it goes fast.  I would rather be nursing 20 hours a day and not sleeping than be pregnant.  Check back and we'll see if that's true.

I have been joined in almost every day of this pregnancy by my pregnant friend Chrissy.  She is also having her fourth and we have the same exact due date.  It's been a real treat to share it with her, even though she is in NJ, it's nice, we talk all the time and complain about our lives talk about our pregnancies and how excited we are.  Neither of us know the sex of our babies, we are a perfect pregnant match!  Anyway, we were texting last night and I was saying how I am measuring 38 cm at 34 weeks and she wrote back 38!  You are RUINED!  We are RUINED!  I can't wait to meet the baby and find out the sex!  Ha!  My sentiments exactly.

Baby Things

What are some of my favorite gifts I've gotten when I've had a baby?  I'd have to start with Anthony, because that's the last time that I really asked for and picked out things, and that was six long years ago, hmmmm.  I didn't even know what to ask for, now that I think about it.

With Maria, I got the obnoxiously named, but life-saving My Brest Friend nursing pillow.  A blogger that I love to read said that she slept in a chair with her baby, like a recliner, and she put pillows around herself so she was kind of sitting up all night, nursing, but sleeping too.  Because I needed to sleep more with Maria than I did with Anthony - largely because I had to care for *Anthony*, too, when Maria was a baby, I started sleeping in the chair.  But I didn't know what to DO with her, like I was afraid I'd tuck her away with a pillow.  Sometimes I am so tired when I have a newborn that I do crazy things.  Like one night I heard Anthony cry and I went to go and nurse him, but instead of picking HIM up from the crib, I picked up my pillow and sat down in the chair with it.  Luckily my mom was there and she was all, um, that's not the baby!  Ha!  Anyways, this nursing pillow really was great because I could clip it to me and it had a little shelf for her to lie on and she wouldn't roll away.

My mom bought me some size small Fuzzi Bunz cloth diapers when I was pregnant with Veronica and that was great, because I had sold my size smalls right after Maria got out of them.  Isn't that funny, that at one point I had Maria, and I must have thought, well I guess I won't have any more kids, I better get rid of their stuff!  Ha!  I only ever use Fuzzi Bunz diapers, they work well for us and I don't like to get too crazy about cloth diapers, or else I'll end up buying every new or cute diaper that I see and that will not have the money-saving effect that I am after.

Oh!  I love sleepers that zip up, NOT the ones that snap.  I don't care what they look like, although I have to say I got some super cute Hanna Andersson sleepers at Costco for Veronica several months ago that were feetless and I kind of liked them better.  It's always warm in our upstairs, I never worry about my kids being too cold.  I like them to be not too hot, it seems like it's always stuffy and warm in our upstairs.  Note:  I would never buy HA stuff that wasn't at Costco or at a garage sale or something.  I don't have it in me to spend $25 on one sleeper.  One that is more than likely going to get pooped on, or spit up on, or something.  Sheesh.

One thing I'd like to try is a Sleepy Wrap, and lucky for me they were on sale today on Zulilly, so I bought on for like $21, which is good.  It's just like a Moby Wrap, which I loved, but apparently it has more spandex so it's tighter, which is good for a newborn, especially now that my hands have to be free-er than ever.

Also, I hear great things about these blankets.  I think Target has a version of them, but I haven't been to Target alone in a long time so I can look for them.  I love to swaddle a newborn and I have always loved the Amazing Miracle Blanket but I have to say Anthony liked it best, and probably needed it most.  The girls were just swaddled for a short time when they were teensy, Anthony was only unswaddled after he was like seven or eight months old.

I like those kimono type shirts on a baby, and little cotton pants.  I like a soft hat but my kids can rarely wear a newborn size.  They have the Big Heads real bad.  :)

I am thinking of doing a combo Christmas card/birth announcement with this one - it's my first October baby, so I think the timing is good.  Maybe I'll send them out right after Thanksgiving?  I always get my cards through Shutterfly, I like them the best.  I also got Veronica's weekly pictures poster done there, I think the quality is great.

What else.  For myself I want to get some nice soft socks and a nice pair of pajamas to wear at the hospital and also as my uniform for the first few weeks.  I used to have a great pair from Target but I seriously wore them out. Pajamas!  Who does that?

I can't believe it's six weeks away.  I am so big - I'm going to the doctor on Friday and I'm scared I'm going to be measuring bigger than ever and they're going to ... I don't know what, make me feel like a circus freak or something.  I have to see a different doctor than my doctor because that's how they're doing things now, which sucks because I am having a scheduled csection and what is the point, really?  Also I am going to declare my unwillingness to have that stupid Strep Test and see how that goes.  I asked Mike what can they do, strap me down and rip off my clothes to swipe my whole underside with a large qtip?  He wasn't really any help, I was hoping as an ATTORNEY, he'd be all, "they cannot take away your rights!", but instead he said "um, I don't think they could strap you down".  Not very reassuring!

Nursery

Here's a lamp in the new baby's nursery. The theme is called Lambs & Ivy and I bought some stuff from a friend of mine, she took exceptionally good care of it. It was literally in the original packaging, which is v. impressive, to me. I could never be so organized. I needed a new lamp because these CHILDREN of mine have broken Anthony's lamp. I am going picture by picture here because I can't find my longer-range lens and I want to get this done while the girls are napping. So anyways, isn't it cute? I love the idea of baby animals for a theme. Baby animals remind me of babies now, in a way that they didn't used to, before I'd had kids. Now I see my babies in all animal babies - well, not mice or bugs or whatever but like gorillas and puppies and kittens.

OK so this is the dresser.  It's kind of a wreck right now, but I am hoping that my Handy brother John can help me with it when he comes to visit here soon. It's three drawers on the left and a little drawer up there on the right and kind of a closet type thing below the small drawer.  It has a changing table, it was Anthony's and I've used it for everyone, I love it.  Anthony, unfortunately, loves it too, he loves to use the drawers for climbing up to the top, so they are kind of a mess.  I think with some wood glue and some screws I can get it working again, at least that's my hope.  

That is our old tv to the right, I am going to put it in a stand and use it to watch late night tv when I am nursing.  With Veronica and Maria I just went downstairs but our stairs are super steep and I am loathe to tromp down them while holding a little baby.  

This is just a view of the changing table part and the lamp.  Also, my tassel from my high school graduation.  What do people do with these things?  Ugh.  

These shelves were in the house when we moved in and they will be nice, I figure, for all these stuffed animals - there is a baby elephant and a baby giraffe up there on the left that came with the Lambs & Ivy set.  I have some work to do on these shelves, obviously.  I'm going to put a noise machine up there, and a L&I picture frame once I have the baby and a picture to put in it.  Also, there are the girls' jewelry boxes that I can't keep in their room right now because they are TOO BAD.  It is incredibly frustrating to have a four bedroom house, I was telling my sister today, but only be able to keep things in TWO of the bedrooms.  Anthony has a bed, a beanbag chair and that's it in his room, otherwise he will use them all to throw around.  We can't even hang clothes in his closet because of his hanger thing.  Now the girls have started to mess with everything so I had to take everything out of their room, too.  It's v. annoying.  

Click Clack Couch/Futon.  I figure I can either nurse on here or sleep on here or whatever.  Maria is my best sleeper and when she was wee, I used to nurse her and then lay her down right after.  I'd lie on the futon in her room and as often as not, she'd just go to sleep.  I'm hopeful (ha ha ha boo hoo because I will never learn) that it will be the same with this baby.  

This is just funny.  I love this bench, it has storage in it, and because of the aforementioned storage problems that I have, I figure I'll keep it upstairs and the baby's room is as good a place as any.  In my old house, it was in the kitchen and I could always pull it up for extra seating.  Anyways.  Maria brought all of these stuffed animals and dolls in this morning when she was looking at the room and she named them all, she said "this is Sleepy, and Happy, and Sneezy, and Dopey and Bashful, and Doc and ... um....Sneaky".  Ha!  

Cute valance, right?  I am going to get some window shade film stuff to make it shadier, and then I'm just going to leave the blinds and the valance.  I used to have long, long curtains in here and it's too much.  The people that lived here before us were crazy about the long curtains and while I appreciate a dark room as much as the next person, they are too long and dreary for us, certainly for a nursery.  

.  I bought this glider when Anthony was a few months old.  My mom and dad gave us a beautiful white rocking chair which I used for a few months, but then I rocked it across the room one too many times (Anthony required a lot of movement), and it broke.  This glider has been through a lot, I've slept a LOT in it with the girls but it is hanging in there.  The bouncy seat there on the left will probably end up downstairs after I have the baby, but for now I am hiding it because Veronica keeps playing the music on it and then leaving the room and they all like to lie down in it.  

The crib.  This is a mini crib I bought for Veronica back when she was in the closet.  I love it, she was in it forever, and it's not a drop side so it's safer than the one I had with Anthony and Maria.  I still have that one and I might use it in the future but right now it's up in our attic.  The rug is from the collection and I have two mattresses in there - on from our other mini crib that I used to keep at my parents' house.  Then I put the bed skirt underneath the hard piece that holds the crib sides out, and then I put the fitted sheet over both mattresses and tuck them all underneath and I think it's a little more comfortable.  I know we're not supposed to use sheets or whatever the hell for safety but come on, man!  We have to give these babies some comfort without risking their lives right?  

Wall hangings.  Cute, right?  I can't decide if I'm going to leave them like this, or make a circle, or put them straight across.  But I wanted to get them up.  They are such sweet little pictures.  There's a mobile in the crib, it's got lights and music and it makes a picture on the ceiling.  Maria liked it, Veevsy Voo not so much, so we'll see about this next one.

OK this has literally taken me all day, it's now almost bedtime for the kids so I SUPPOSE I should spend some QUALITY time with them.  Tomorrow I'm going to take some pictures of clothes and stuff that I like.  It's very exciting, look out!  .

Ass/Elbow

"You are never without an ass or an elbow!", my Dad always says whenever any of us complain about anything. But man.  I am DYING here lately with the pregnancy symptoms.  And my friend Chrissy has morning sickness, all day every day for nine months, and she is pregnant with her fourth too so I hate to complain but man.

The other morning, I was waking up and I stretched and got a charlie horse in my thigh.  It's really hard to ROLL anything and make it better so I just have to wait it out, walk around, and try and relax.  It's so hard to do because it hurts so much.  So anyways, it passed and I went to the bathroom because I always have to pee like a crazy racehorse when I wake up.  So (this is gross but whatever) I was PEEING and that damned charlie horse came back!  It was a real conundrum, deciding whether or not it was better to PEE DOWN MY LEG and try and relieve the charlie horse or just sit there in such pain.  For the record, I chose NOT to pee down my leg and suffer through.

I have charlie horses a lot.  Like a LOT a LOT.  Today I worked out, in an effort to feel better mentally and physically and it was a good workout but I got a charlie horse in my foot right after, which sucked.  Also I have a burning hot pain in my little toe sometimes.  Also I have carpel tunnel in both hands and they go to sleep all the time, I wake up with them pins and needles almost every day.  Also I've had such bad heartburn and indigestion recently I think it's going to cause me to have a heart attack. Also I have nine weeks left.  NINE WEEKS.

I can't sleep until I'm so tired that I can't move.  I wake up really early.  I'm super emotional and crazy.  Today I was reading I'll Love You Forever to Maria and I was almost choking on the hidden sobs.  I don't want her to have a memory of this crazy pregnant lady crying and crying all the time.

So I'm going to try to drink more water, try and go to bed earlier, try and wear my braces on my hands, and try to have a better attitude.  I am grateful and happy about this baby, I'm excited to meet him or her, I am grateful.  I am.  But I am also heartburny and sick and tired and probably my hands are asleep and I have a charlie horse in my leg.

Gestational Diabetes

I am shocked and pleased to announce that I don't have diabetes this time.  I'm proud but it's probably misplaced.  I have really tried to work out and be ... well, I have not been good but I haven't been as horrible as I would have been, food-wise, so I'm going to take the victory as my own.  Also, good baby.  :)

Movement

I don't know if it's because I don't have an anterior placenta this time, or what, but MAN I can feel this baby moving in a way that I haven't felt a baby move before, or certainly not the last two.  It's super fun and I really like it this time because seriously, all day will go by and I am thinking of nine million other things and I forget to think about the baby.  So then it's night time and I have my ice cream or whatever and then bam!  bam!  bam!  I feel myself being kicked from the inside and I think, I know you are there.  I know you and I love you already!  You're my favorite!  Just because I don't think and fret and worry about every second of this pregnancy, I know you're there.  You're my best sleeper and my quietest baby.  Let's keep it that way.

23 Weeks

In just a month or so, I'll be in the third trimester.  Doesn't that sound good?  DELIVERY sounds better, but we take what we can get.  I did fine at the doctor the last time, we had our 20 week ultrasound and everything looked good, the tech said.  I saw my doctor for the last time until I am 28 weeks.  She had a baby girl. .. I guess last week or the week before.  She was SUPER pregnant when I saw her.  It blows my mind that she'll be back at work less than eight weeks after she has her third.  I couldn't do it but I don't have medical school student loans to pay, either.  Anyway, all's well.

Necklace

After I have this baby I want to get a mother necklace, I really like this kind.  This is just in case anyone, like the children's father, ever wants to get me a gift.  I do not believe in the horribly named 'push presents', but I do believe in presents.  It's nice, right?

Name that Baby

We are going to use our same boy name, Augustine Thomas, for this baby if it's a boy.  I am SICK of this name but I am getting over myself, because at one time I really liked it and I don't know why I should change it.  Our girl name is harder - I really like Felicity but Mike wasn't as enthusiastic about it as I would have liked.  But I like it a lot, maybe enough for both of us.  Felicity.  Felicity Rose.  Felicity Beatrice.  It has a lot of possibilities, I think.  

I went to the doctor today and all is well, even though I have gained seven pounds in a month.  I have been exercising a lot but also eating a lot.  I'm going to start working on the food thing, story of my LIFE.

17 weeks

I am starting this blog later than I started Veronica's.  I am going to the doctor tomorrow and I will more than likely have an ultrasound, so maybe I'll have pictures.  Ever since I was pregnant with Maria, I can never get the heartbeat in a normal way.  With Maria and Veronica, I had an anterior placenta, and with this one the ultrasound tech said my uterus was tilted.  I'll tell you what it makes me feel like and that is FAT, I feel like they can't even get through it all with a stethoscope!  I know that's not the case but it's annoying.  Plus last time, I was like 13 or 14 weeks and the tech wanted to do a camera ultrasound, like a vaginal one?  I was all, um, what in the who now?  Why do I have to take off my PANTS?  But anyways, more pictures, plus I like to see the baby.  It's getting really exciting.  I am thinking of how to decorate the nursery, stuff like that.  I wish I were further along, but I always do.