Breastfeeding

So, it's been like three full weeks, maybe four, since I've stopped breast feeding.  The first week I was so miserable, I was still sick, and then Felicity was sick, and I couldn't really think about it too much.

So what happened was, to review, breastfeeding was rough in the hospital.  Felicity had a rough entrance, she had meconium, (sp) so they wanted to pull out her head first but they ... couldn't find it?  There was a LOT of fluid, I guess, more than the doctor thought there would be, so they had to make the incision bigger (Mike saw the OB ask for scissors (!)), and then they finally had to use the vacuum to get her out.  She was breathing funny and was TIRED for the whole rest of the day, so I didn't think anything of the fact that she was pretty bad at nursing.

Late on the first day that I was there, that she was born, she finally latched on and I remember I texted Mike to tell him it went okay.  She kept nursing and nursing but what seemed strange was that she never really would relax with me, only with Mike did she do that kind of passed-out sleeping that newborns do.  The lactation consultant came in and was kind of rough with me, physically, and she also kind of told me how to calm a fussy baby, which Ha ha ha BOO HOO I know how to do!  I realized that she would relax with Mike when he would put his finger in her mouth.  It was all very mysterious.  Thank GOD my recovery was fine, I was FINE, but I was worried about this nursing thing and how fussy she was.  So anyways, the last day we called the LC and she came in and figured out that she had the bubble palate and couldn't get her mouth IN enough to feel that she was nursing, nor to make ME feel like I was nursing and needed to produce more milk.  So we got a nursing shield, she started nursing, everything was great.

She didn't gain much weight between the hospital and one week, or two weeks, but she was gaining which was, I thought, all that mattered.  Then she lost three ounces between weeks four and six and that's when I started supplementing.  I was giving her bottles of formula and then nursing and after one week, she started refusing to nurse.  I tried to work with a (super nice) lactation consultant but I was still so sick and I just couldn't pump every two hours.  I wasn't getting anything and let's face it - I can't get that long to myself, I just can't, not that often.  I tried pumping for like two days, and wrestling with her to get her to nurse, to 'win her back' to the breast, as the LC said, but it was just not working and I was going insane. I mean really insane.  So it sounds lame but I prayed on it and I just decided I had to stop and start giving her formula only.  Logically I felt okay about it but emotionally it was very difficult.  I'm sort of tearing up NOW writing about it!  Sheesh!

It's hard.  You are dealing with such hormonal changes and also feelings of failure and worry because your LITTLE BABY has LOST WEIGHT, ugh, I was just beyond sad about it.  Also as I think I said I kept feeling like I didn't have a baby anymore and I was feeling all this LOSS and she was RIGHT THERE.  Also, she is a fussy poo, so she had to be held so much and right on my sore chest, so it was like literally being kicked when I was down.  Kicked in the boobs!

I know that it's the best thing for us.  I know that it's my responsibility to feed that baby.  She is so much happier now and gaining weight and just ... better. She is better because we decided to give her formula and I am fine with that.

I am writing this because I read this blog post which talks about this (horrible, to me) article in the (hated, by me) Atlantic.  I hated that article because I hated the way the writer talked about breast feeding and also pumping.  Ugh, I just hated it, I can't articulate it well but she was hateful, to me.  Also, as a stay at home mother, what the hell else did I have going on but breast feeding?  It has always been free, to me, to breast feed, and it's one of the things I hate the most now.  I can't believe I have to pay for all this formula!  I have very conflicted feelings about breast feeding, I had a very hard time with Anthony, and ended up having to pump.  One time a friend of mine said, "why in the WORLD did you keep doing it, then?  If it was so hard?".  She was super accusatory and I started to cry (of COURSE) when I answered because the reason I kept doing it was because it felt like the only thing I could do to help that fussy, crazy, screaming child.  When I would nurse him in the night, in the dark, he was so sweet and good.  He was gaining weight like crazy and I thought, well, at least I can do this for him.  I could not have given that up.

Maria was a great nurser - she was!  She would nurse for three minutes a side.  Veronica was not as good, and I used to tell her, to cheer myself up, "I'ma let you finish nursing, Veronica, but Maria was the best nurser of all tiiiiime".  That's a Kanye West/Taylor Swift joke.  What can I say, I have to amuse myself in some way, I am often the only person with whom I am speaking.

Anyways.  If anyone ever asks me, and they do, I tell them that I think a person should do everything they can to breast feed if that's what they want to do.  I tell them the first two weeks are terrible and should not be counted in one's experience.  But I also say if it's not working, and your baby is not getting the food that he or she needs to SURVIVE, then for God's sweet sake, switch to supplementing or full time formula and never look back.

Since I've been bottle feeding, nobody has given me any guff about it and I'm glad.  I really think I'd go insane on someone that questioned why I was formula feeding.  It was too hard to decide to do it and I've cried too much about it to not really beat the hell out of someone who assumed that I hadn't really thought about it.  So I hope no one does.  I do not have time to be beating anyone up at ballet or whatever, ha!