Depressing

Ugh, this Felicity is sleeping like CRAP!  I'm sure she's just adjusting, but man.  She was doing well for like two nights and now it's a wreck again.  I barely remember what happen last night, she slept for a long time from like 4:00-8:00.  It's like she's having her first long stretch way too early in the evening and then she's just up the rest of the time.  We lay her down around 8:00 so we could finally eat dinner, it took her a while but she fell asleep and stayed down.  She woke up before 10:00 and Mike gave her her medicine and a bottle and came back after maybe 45 minutes?  This is where the bottle thing sucks, by the way - if I was nursing her, she'd barely wake up and I could just lay her back down, but it's SUCH a rigamarole with the bottle, it takes forever every time she's up.  Anyways.

So she went down around 10:45 I guess and then was back up at 1:00 or 1:30.  I went in and I was in there with her until like 3:15!  The hell?  She was fussing, I had to STAND UP and ROCK HER for a long time.  The nipple on the bottle was too big and I had to take her downstairs to get another one, ugh.  Then Mike got up with her at some point after I lay her down, I don't know because I passed out.  He gave her to me at like 6:30, I think and then we were up.  So.  Not good.

I've been trying to lie her down for naps, which is going okay but these damned sisters of hers are so noisy.  Today they were watching Strawberry Shortcake on the computer in my room, across the hall from the nursery and of course they were slamming the door, crying, screaming, etc.  So.  That's not good either.

Mike and I are so tired we can't even see.  Everyone gets short tempered and by everyone I mean ME.  I am hateful and horrible and so, so impatient with everyone else.  Last night I sort of PUNCHED the bassinet!  Please NOTE, there was no one in the bassinet at the time.  I am just supremely tired and frustrated.

But one thing I am not is depressed.  I am very lucky because so many women do suffer from Post Partum Depression but I am not one of them.  If I was, we would all be in trouble, because these are some DAMNED depressing circumstances.  It's easy to be sad in circumstances like this, to feel sorry for yourself, to have a giant crisis of faith, which is what I'm having.  But I'm not depressed.  I don't feel out of control, I don't feel dangerous to me or others.

I have a friend whose sister just had a baby, her first.  And she posted on Facebook and said why is the first baby so hard?  So a bunch of her friends commented, some of them are my friends too, and there was general consensus that the first one is hard because it's so much all at once, you have never done it before, it's a big deal, etc.  We said it's so hard when someone is screaming in your face to ENJOY it, yet everyone seems to think that you should be ENJOYING your BLESSING.  That is just stupid, in my opinion.  Anyways, it was a regular conversation, comments about everyone's experience and then some girl said how her FIRST wasn't the bad one, it was her THIRD!  And my friend who originally posted this is about to have her THIRD!  And the girl was all, "ha ha, I'm sure it won't be that way for you!".  Ugh.  I don't know why as women and mothers we have to spend so much freaking time trying to scare the hell out of other friends and mothers.  It bugs the HELL out of me.

THEN someone else posted and said that you should always ENJOY this TIME because it goes so fast!  WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY?  It does not!  Time cannot go by fast when you are awake for 20 hours out of 24.  Time cannot go by fast when you are always so scared that something might happen.  You have to put the baby to sleep on their back, you have to measure out the formula with such precision, you have to pick the baby up, no wait, you should let the baby cry, no wait you are spoiling the baby, no wait, you can't spoil a baby.  Sheesh.  Yes, that does sound joyful, doesn't it?  Lord. Lord, Lord.

So.  I am not a person who gets depressed - ACTUALLY depressed, like chemical depression that needs to be treated medically.  But it's a good damned thing that I'm not because some people in this world behave in a way that is VERY DEPRESSING.