Felicity has another ear infection. She has been fussy (sigh) but it's impossible to say she is MORE fussy or LESS fussy, she's just a fussy old person! But the thing that seems consistent when she's sick with these ear infections is that she's awake in the night. I was talking to my friend Rachael yesterday when Mike was at the doctor and the girls were with my mother. I only mention that I was alone in the house because I don't think it's happened since I've been home from the hospital and that's weird. It makes me unable to think or process anything. Like, I was saying to Rachael, "she was up for 2.5 hours last night, and she wasn't fussy, so I don't think it's another ear infection. She would just drink from the bottle and then stop after a very short time". Rachael was like, um, like maybe it BOTHERED her to suck on the bottle? DUH. As we were talking, I thought, holy crap, I bet she has another one! and sure enough she does.
Our pediatrician, who is a pretty good age, said he can count on ONE HAND the times he's seen a baby this small with two ear infections. Really? Really, world? It's like I can't count on anything. I can't just KNOW something and KNOW how to be a mother. It's very annoying and frustrating.
Anyways, we are on day two of the antibiotic, which I try twice a day to get into her gullet but it's nearly IMPOSSIBLE. She hoardes it and spits it right out. I wonder if she has trouble getting anything in her. Like, she couldn't nurse well and she's a MESS with the bottle and now the antibiotic. I mean, I could see with an older baby, who would consciously try to spit it out but she's not doing that. It's like she holds everything in the back of her throat and then it just runs out of her mouth. I've decided that if she has another ear infection before she's six months old I'm going to take her to a Pediatric ENT doctor. I HATE the thought of someone poking around in there if it's not anything but I am not a person who is going to wait and see anymore.
But I will say this for her tenth (eleventh?) week: she is getting smilier and nicer. It's not often, but it's sometimes that she will smile and just ... be there, without being upset and it is so nice. It can really go a long way. Also I'm grateful that if I'm not going to sleep, I can at least have as much caffeine as I want.
Today I'm home with the girls and Felicity has been sleeping on her own long enough so I could shower and get dressed and write this, so that's good, especially considering the fact that Maria is so freaking loud that even if she's downstairs, rooms away, her piercing voice goes right through the center of your head and makes you want to jump out the window to get away from it. Or perhaps that's just me.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Breastfeeding
So, it's been like three full weeks, maybe four, since I've stopped breast feeding. The first week I was so miserable, I was still sick, and then Felicity was sick, and I couldn't really think about it too much.
So what happened was, to review, breastfeeding was rough in the hospital. Felicity had a rough entrance, she had meconium, (sp) so they wanted to pull out her head first but they ... couldn't find it? There was a LOT of fluid, I guess, more than the doctor thought there would be, so they had to make the incision bigger (Mike saw the OB ask for scissors (!)), and then they finally had to use the vacuum to get her out. She was breathing funny and was TIRED for the whole rest of the day, so I didn't think anything of the fact that she was pretty bad at nursing.
Late on the first day that I was there, that she was born, she finally latched on and I remember I texted Mike to tell him it went okay. She kept nursing and nursing but what seemed strange was that she never really would relax with me, only with Mike did she do that kind of passed-out sleeping that newborns do. The lactation consultant came in and was kind of rough with me, physically, and she also kind of told me how to calm a fussy baby, which Ha ha ha BOO HOO I know how to do! I realized that she would relax with Mike when he would put his finger in her mouth. It was all very mysterious. Thank GOD my recovery was fine, I was FINE, but I was worried about this nursing thing and how fussy she was. So anyways, the last day we called the LC and she came in and figured out that she had the bubble palate and couldn't get her mouth IN enough to feel that she was nursing, nor to make ME feel like I was nursing and needed to produce more milk. So we got a nursing shield, she started nursing, everything was great.
She didn't gain much weight between the hospital and one week, or two weeks, but she was gaining which was, I thought, all that mattered. Then she lost three ounces between weeks four and six and that's when I started supplementing. I was giving her bottles of formula and then nursing and after one week, she started refusing to nurse. I tried to work with a (super nice) lactation consultant but I was still so sick and I just couldn't pump every two hours. I wasn't getting anything and let's face it - I can't get that long to myself, I just can't, not that often. I tried pumping for like two days, and wrestling with her to get her to nurse, to 'win her back' to the breast, as the LC said, but it was just not working and I was going insane. I mean really insane. So it sounds lame but I prayed on it and I just decided I had to stop and start giving her formula only. Logically I felt okay about it but emotionally it was very difficult. I'm sort of tearing up NOW writing about it! Sheesh!
It's hard. You are dealing with such hormonal changes and also feelings of failure and worry because your LITTLE BABY has LOST WEIGHT, ugh, I was just beyond sad about it. Also as I think I said I kept feeling like I didn't have a baby anymore and I was feeling all this LOSS and she was RIGHT THERE. Also, she is a fussy poo, so she had to be held so much and right on my sore chest, so it was like literally being kicked when I was down. Kicked in the boobs!
I know that it's the best thing for us. I know that it's my responsibility to feed that baby. She is so much happier now and gaining weight and just ... better. She is better because we decided to give her formula and I am fine with that.
I am writing this because I read this blog post which talks about this (horrible, to me) article in the (hated, by me) Atlantic. I hated that article because I hated the way the writer talked about breast feeding and also pumping. Ugh, I just hated it, I can't articulate it well but she was hateful, to me. Also, as a stay at home mother, what the hell else did I have going on but breast feeding? It has always been free, to me, to breast feed, and it's one of the things I hate the most now. I can't believe I have to pay for all this formula! I have very conflicted feelings about breast feeding, I had a very hard time with Anthony, and ended up having to pump. One time a friend of mine said, "why in the WORLD did you keep doing it, then? If it was so hard?". She was super accusatory and I started to cry (of COURSE) when I answered because the reason I kept doing it was because it felt like the only thing I could do to help that fussy, crazy, screaming child. When I would nurse him in the night, in the dark, he was so sweet and good. He was gaining weight like crazy and I thought, well, at least I can do this for him. I could not have given that up.
Maria was a great nurser - she was! She would nurse for three minutes a side. Veronica was not as good, and I used to tell her, to cheer myself up, "I'ma let you finish nursing, Veronica, but Maria was the best nurser of all tiiiiime". That's a Kanye West/Taylor Swift joke. What can I say, I have to amuse myself in some way, I am often the only person with whom I am speaking.
Anyways. If anyone ever asks me, and they do, I tell them that I think a person should do everything they can to breast feed if that's what they want to do. I tell them the first two weeks are terrible and should not be counted in one's experience. But I also say if it's not working, and your baby is not getting the food that he or she needs to SURVIVE, then for God's sweet sake, switch to supplementing or full time formula and never look back.
Since I've been bottle feeding, nobody has given me any guff about it and I'm glad. I really think I'd go insane on someone that questioned why I was formula feeding. It was too hard to decide to do it and I've cried too much about it to not really beat the hell out of someone who assumed that I hadn't really thought about it. So I hope no one does. I do not have time to be beating anyone up at ballet or whatever, ha!
So what happened was, to review, breastfeeding was rough in the hospital. Felicity had a rough entrance, she had meconium, (sp) so they wanted to pull out her head first but they ... couldn't find it? There was a LOT of fluid, I guess, more than the doctor thought there would be, so they had to make the incision bigger (Mike saw the OB ask for scissors (!)), and then they finally had to use the vacuum to get her out. She was breathing funny and was TIRED for the whole rest of the day, so I didn't think anything of the fact that she was pretty bad at nursing.
Late on the first day that I was there, that she was born, she finally latched on and I remember I texted Mike to tell him it went okay. She kept nursing and nursing but what seemed strange was that she never really would relax with me, only with Mike did she do that kind of passed-out sleeping that newborns do. The lactation consultant came in and was kind of rough with me, physically, and she also kind of told me how to calm a fussy baby, which Ha ha ha BOO HOO I know how to do! I realized that she would relax with Mike when he would put his finger in her mouth. It was all very mysterious. Thank GOD my recovery was fine, I was FINE, but I was worried about this nursing thing and how fussy she was. So anyways, the last day we called the LC and she came in and figured out that she had the bubble palate and couldn't get her mouth IN enough to feel that she was nursing, nor to make ME feel like I was nursing and needed to produce more milk. So we got a nursing shield, she started nursing, everything was great.
She didn't gain much weight between the hospital and one week, or two weeks, but she was gaining which was, I thought, all that mattered. Then she lost three ounces between weeks four and six and that's when I started supplementing. I was giving her bottles of formula and then nursing and after one week, she started refusing to nurse. I tried to work with a (super nice) lactation consultant but I was still so sick and I just couldn't pump every two hours. I wasn't getting anything and let's face it - I can't get that long to myself, I just can't, not that often. I tried pumping for like two days, and wrestling with her to get her to nurse, to 'win her back' to the breast, as the LC said, but it was just not working and I was going insane. I mean really insane. So it sounds lame but I prayed on it and I just decided I had to stop and start giving her formula only. Logically I felt okay about it but emotionally it was very difficult. I'm sort of tearing up NOW writing about it! Sheesh!
It's hard. You are dealing with such hormonal changes and also feelings of failure and worry because your LITTLE BABY has LOST WEIGHT, ugh, I was just beyond sad about it. Also as I think I said I kept feeling like I didn't have a baby anymore and I was feeling all this LOSS and she was RIGHT THERE. Also, she is a fussy poo, so she had to be held so much and right on my sore chest, so it was like literally being kicked when I was down. Kicked in the boobs!
I know that it's the best thing for us. I know that it's my responsibility to feed that baby. She is so much happier now and gaining weight and just ... better. She is better because we decided to give her formula and I am fine with that.
I am writing this because I read this blog post which talks about this (horrible, to me) article in the (hated, by me) Atlantic. I hated that article because I hated the way the writer talked about breast feeding and also pumping. Ugh, I just hated it, I can't articulate it well but she was hateful, to me. Also, as a stay at home mother, what the hell else did I have going on but breast feeding? It has always been free, to me, to breast feed, and it's one of the things I hate the most now. I can't believe I have to pay for all this formula! I have very conflicted feelings about breast feeding, I had a very hard time with Anthony, and ended up having to pump. One time a friend of mine said, "why in the WORLD did you keep doing it, then? If it was so hard?". She was super accusatory and I started to cry (of COURSE) when I answered because the reason I kept doing it was because it felt like the only thing I could do to help that fussy, crazy, screaming child. When I would nurse him in the night, in the dark, he was so sweet and good. He was gaining weight like crazy and I thought, well, at least I can do this for him. I could not have given that up.
Maria was a great nurser - she was! She would nurse for three minutes a side. Veronica was not as good, and I used to tell her, to cheer myself up, "I'ma let you finish nursing, Veronica, but Maria was the best nurser of all tiiiiime". That's a Kanye West/Taylor Swift joke. What can I say, I have to amuse myself in some way, I am often the only person with whom I am speaking.
Anyways. If anyone ever asks me, and they do, I tell them that I think a person should do everything they can to breast feed if that's what they want to do. I tell them the first two weeks are terrible and should not be counted in one's experience. But I also say if it's not working, and your baby is not getting the food that he or she needs to SURVIVE, then for God's sweet sake, switch to supplementing or full time formula and never look back.
Since I've been bottle feeding, nobody has given me any guff about it and I'm glad. I really think I'd go insane on someone that questioned why I was formula feeding. It was too hard to decide to do it and I've cried too much about it to not really beat the hell out of someone who assumed that I hadn't really thought about it. So I hope no one does. I do not have time to be beating anyone up at ballet or whatever, ha!
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Depressing
Ugh, this Felicity is sleeping like CRAP! I'm sure she's just adjusting, but man. She was doing well for like two nights and now it's a wreck again. I barely remember what happen last night, she slept for a long time from like 4:00-8:00. It's like she's having her first long stretch way too early in the evening and then she's just up the rest of the time. We lay her down around 8:00 so we could finally eat dinner, it took her a while but she fell asleep and stayed down. She woke up before 10:00 and Mike gave her her medicine and a bottle and came back after maybe 45 minutes? This is where the bottle thing sucks, by the way - if I was nursing her, she'd barely wake up and I could just lay her back down, but it's SUCH a rigamarole with the bottle, it takes forever every time she's up. Anyways.
So she went down around 10:45 I guess and then was back up at 1:00 or 1:30. I went in and I was in there with her until like 3:15! The hell? She was fussing, I had to STAND UP and ROCK HER for a long time. The nipple on the bottle was too big and I had to take her downstairs to get another one, ugh. Then Mike got up with her at some point after I lay her down, I don't know because I passed out. He gave her to me at like 6:30, I think and then we were up. So. Not good.
I've been trying to lie her down for naps, which is going okay but these damned sisters of hers are so noisy. Today they were watching Strawberry Shortcake on the computer in my room, across the hall from the nursery and of course they were slamming the door, crying, screaming, etc. So. That's not good either.
Mike and I are so tired we can't even see. Everyone gets short tempered and by everyone I mean ME. I am hateful and horrible and so, so impatient with everyone else. Last night I sort of PUNCHED the bassinet! Please NOTE, there was no one in the bassinet at the time. I am just supremely tired and frustrated.
But one thing I am not is depressed. I am very lucky because so many women do suffer from Post Partum Depression but I am not one of them. If I was, we would all be in trouble, because these are some DAMNED depressing circumstances. It's easy to be sad in circumstances like this, to feel sorry for yourself, to have a giant crisis of faith, which is what I'm having. But I'm not depressed. I don't feel out of control, I don't feel dangerous to me or others.
I have a friend whose sister just had a baby, her first. And she posted on Facebook and said why is the first baby so hard? So a bunch of her friends commented, some of them are my friends too, and there was general consensus that the first one is hard because it's so much all at once, you have never done it before, it's a big deal, etc. We said it's so hard when someone is screaming in your face to ENJOY it, yet everyone seems to think that you should be ENJOYING your BLESSING. That is just stupid, in my opinion. Anyways, it was a regular conversation, comments about everyone's experience and then some girl said how her FIRST wasn't the bad one, it was her THIRD! And my friend who originally posted this is about to have her THIRD! And the girl was all, "ha ha, I'm sure it won't be that way for you!". Ugh. I don't know why as women and mothers we have to spend so much freaking time trying to scare the hell out of other friends and mothers. It bugs the HELL out of me.
THEN someone else posted and said that you should always ENJOY this TIME because it goes so fast! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY? It does not! Time cannot go by fast when you are awake for 20 hours out of 24. Time cannot go by fast when you are always so scared that something might happen. You have to put the baby to sleep on their back, you have to measure out the formula with such precision, you have to pick the baby up, no wait, you should let the baby cry, no wait you are spoiling the baby, no wait, you can't spoil a baby. Sheesh. Yes, that does sound joyful, doesn't it? Lord. Lord, Lord.
So. I am not a person who gets depressed - ACTUALLY depressed, like chemical depression that needs to be treated medically. But it's a good damned thing that I'm not because some people in this world behave in a way that is VERY DEPRESSING.
So she went down around 10:45 I guess and then was back up at 1:00 or 1:30. I went in and I was in there with her until like 3:15! The hell? She was fussing, I had to STAND UP and ROCK HER for a long time. The nipple on the bottle was too big and I had to take her downstairs to get another one, ugh. Then Mike got up with her at some point after I lay her down, I don't know because I passed out. He gave her to me at like 6:30, I think and then we were up. So. Not good.
I've been trying to lie her down for naps, which is going okay but these damned sisters of hers are so noisy. Today they were watching Strawberry Shortcake on the computer in my room, across the hall from the nursery and of course they were slamming the door, crying, screaming, etc. So. That's not good either.
Mike and I are so tired we can't even see. Everyone gets short tempered and by everyone I mean ME. I am hateful and horrible and so, so impatient with everyone else. Last night I sort of PUNCHED the bassinet! Please NOTE, there was no one in the bassinet at the time. I am just supremely tired and frustrated.
But one thing I am not is depressed. I am very lucky because so many women do suffer from Post Partum Depression but I am not one of them. If I was, we would all be in trouble, because these are some DAMNED depressing circumstances. It's easy to be sad in circumstances like this, to feel sorry for yourself, to have a giant crisis of faith, which is what I'm having. But I'm not depressed. I don't feel out of control, I don't feel dangerous to me or others.
I have a friend whose sister just had a baby, her first. And she posted on Facebook and said why is the first baby so hard? So a bunch of her friends commented, some of them are my friends too, and there was general consensus that the first one is hard because it's so much all at once, you have never done it before, it's a big deal, etc. We said it's so hard when someone is screaming in your face to ENJOY it, yet everyone seems to think that you should be ENJOYING your BLESSING. That is just stupid, in my opinion. Anyways, it was a regular conversation, comments about everyone's experience and then some girl said how her FIRST wasn't the bad one, it was her THIRD! And my friend who originally posted this is about to have her THIRD! And the girl was all, "ha ha, I'm sure it won't be that way for you!". Ugh. I don't know why as women and mothers we have to spend so much freaking time trying to scare the hell out of other friends and mothers. It bugs the HELL out of me.
THEN someone else posted and said that you should always ENJOY this TIME because it goes so fast! WHAT THE HELL KIND OF THING IS THAT TO SAY? It does not! Time cannot go by fast when you are awake for 20 hours out of 24. Time cannot go by fast when you are always so scared that something might happen. You have to put the baby to sleep on their back, you have to measure out the formula with such precision, you have to pick the baby up, no wait, you should let the baby cry, no wait you are spoiling the baby, no wait, you can't spoil a baby. Sheesh. Yes, that does sound joyful, doesn't it? Lord. Lord, Lord.
So. I am not a person who gets depressed - ACTUALLY depressed, like chemical depression that needs to be treated medically. But it's a good damned thing that I'm not because some people in this world behave in a way that is VERY DEPRESSING.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Better, Now
So. Of course she had an ear infection and that's why she was so crazed on Sunday night. Thank GOD I had that appointment anyway, for a weight check, because I don't think I would have guessed ear infection. Only Anthony's ever had one, and he was four, and he's, well, Anthony, so it's not a good comparison to a seven week old Felicity. She had a temp but only 99.5 when we got to the ped, so I never would have known. It's not like she points to her ear! Anyways, she has been taking antibiotics for a few days and she is, just like her doctor said, like a different baby.
I told my sister today, maybe she isn't fussy like the others? Maybe she was a) hungry and b) sick for the first eight weeks? Who knows. Anyways, she is napping and ON HER OWN in her BASSINET so I am not complaining! For once!
I told my sister today, maybe she isn't fussy like the others? Maybe she was a) hungry and b) sick for the first eight weeks? Who knows. Anyways, she is napping and ON HER OWN in her BASSINET so I am not complaining! For once!
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