Sunday

We have had a very, verrrrry rough day with Felicity. It's 9:22 and she has been in bed for like 10 minutes and it's the first time she's made it that long since before 7:00! 7:00!

It's so, so hard. It's easier now that I'm healthy but it's still the hardest thing I've ever done. I get soooo mad, and of course not at her but at God and life in general. I am just praying that this stage passes and that we can make it. I would deeply appreciate any prayers.

Sleepy

This was taken at the lactation consultant's office last week. I drove over there and she was wide awake. The hospital parking lot was PACKED, I had to wait for a space like it was the mall on Black Friday or some bs. I finally got one far, far away from the door and it was super cold and windy, so I ran her in with that blanket over her. I was waiting for the admitting girl to take me and this old bag cut her eyes at me and she said "is that baby SICK?" and I said, no, she's fine, she's just fussy because of course she was crying. And she said, my granddaughter was sick but she had COLIC. And I thought what do you think this baby has, you dummy? But whatever, I said, it's challenging, that's for sure. She said "I was afraid she was SICK!". I was so mad! First of all, it was a HOSPITAL, I mean, what do you expect? And second of all, stop saying it! And third of all, I wanted to go over to get right up in her face and say, the baby's not sick, but guess who is? ME! And then I wanted to cough in her face and lick her eyeballs. Ha, but I didn't.

Jeez, that is not the point of this picture. Apparently, the sign in process took it out of our sweet Felicity because we got up there and I laid her down to take her outfit off to weigh her and she was OUT like a LIGHT. Nobody of mine has ever laid down like this with their arms above their head. I always think it's so cute and I never have seen any of mine do it. So I took it as a sign from God that maybe I couldn't have a fourth baby who could nurse and who would stop screaming but at least I could have this one moment where she looked so happy and rested.

I don't know if it's true or not, but that's my story.

Six Weeks

Felicity is six weeks old, actually six weeks and one day but this picture is from yesterday. I didn't take her five week picture and normally I'd just take it the day after but I figure it's best if we all forget last week.

She's not nursing at all anymore, and I'm not pumping, so she's getting all formula, all the time. I KNOW that there is nothing wrong with this. But I am still sort of heartbroken about it, and I don't know when I won't be. I never, ever thought that my time bf'ing her would be over so soon and I guess I sort of thought I'd know when I was DONE. I've been able to choose with the other three, and it is very shocking to just not be nursing anymore. I am taking sinus medication for my wicked, long lasting sickness and I keep feeling SO weird about it, like HOW can I be taking sinus medication? I can have as many cups of coffee as I want? I don't have to drink a gallon of water a day? It's bizarre, it somewhat feels like I don't have a baby anymore and even though that's not the case, it's such a sad thought it stays with me, a little.

It's getting better every day. She is doing so great with it, she takes a bottle pretty well, she is gaining weight. She is ... not happier, but she seems less nervous. I've been doing laundry for days and I am putting away all my nursing clothes (I just bought a BUNCH, grrr, but as sweet Mike says, it's just money) and it's getting better. But it's not great and I wish it hadn't gone down like this but what can you do? It was a bad combination of a baby with a bad suck, a sick old mother, and a lack of information from the lactation consultant. I'm lucky that she is taking the formula okay and that it even exists.

She will be fine, I know. And I will too! I mean, here's the thing:  it sucks to care for someone all day who is always yelling in your face.  But it's not like she's being vindictive.  I guess I have learned through four fussy babies, it's not their fault and also, it passes.  So we are counting on it.  We know it will get better.  We're okay.  So don't worry, Aunt Joan! :)

News

Felicity is gaining weight, she was 10 lbs., 12 oz. this morning.  It's all from the formula I guess.  I am still sick so I don't know if it will be better when I get better.  I went to the doctor yesterday and he told me that I could use the neti pot and he gave me a prescription for a nasal spray - he said I have bad sinusitis.  So.  That stinks.  There is nothing I can take because I am breastfeeding, and it seems so STUPID because the fact that I am breastfeeding her isn't helping her at all.  Someone recommended that I just quit but I can't, yet.  I mean, I intended to do it for a year.  I don't want to buy a year full of formula.  I don't want to have her be the fourth and the only one that I didn't breastfeed.  She has it bad enough, I don't want her feelings to be hurt because I didn't try hard enough with her.

Although why I care about her feelings I don't know.  I am sitting in my room with the stupid VACUUM running, with her in the sling.  I had to come up and vacuum the upstairs because a) it was dirty, what with every ninny in this house dropping whatever the hell where they are and b) she has been EXTREMELY fussy.  Now that I'm vacuuming and working hard and my head is killing me though, she is happy and sleeping.  Irony, thy name is parenting.

One Month

One month old already! We are having a disappointing week around here. I took Felicity to the doctor for her four week checkup and she had lost three ounces, down to 9 lbs., 2 oz., from 9 lbs., 5 oz. You could have knocked me over with a FEATHER, I was so shocked. The nurse weighed her THREE TIMES! She was extremely fussy while I was there and everyone (medical student, nurse, doctor), I felt, was looking at me like I was a loser or something for not knowing her weight would be down, that she was HUNGRY, but seriously, they are all fussy like that! None of them have ever lost weight!

I've been pretty sick, though. I went to the med check on Friday and it turns out I have bronchitis and a sinus infection. I have started on antibiotics and I am hopeful that it will clear up soon. Meanwhile I have been having awful, horrible pain. I woke up Friday morning and my jaw ached so badly I figured I had broken it in the night. My head hurts all the time and every time I cough I feel like the back of my head is coming off. The ends of my hair hurt. I have never felt like this before, and when I combine it with either Felicity screaming in my ear or Anthony having a breakdown and screaming, it's ... unpleasant.

Yesterday and today, though, I am seeing flashes of a human baby in Felicity. It's like God himself is giving these flashes to me, because I am getting VERY down about how badly she is nursing. I am supplementing with formula and trying to get my supply back up and I have two weeks to get it straightened out and in the meantime I think it's not going that great and I'm afraid I'm going to irreperably damage my supply and have to go to all formula, which is just not in my plan. It's expensive, it's a pain, and I don't want to do it. So I'm sad about it but really, it's selifsh - all I care about is that we get some calories into her and get her weight up. And maybe she'll stop screaming and fussing and wouldn't that be nice. We'll see, in the mean time wish us luck!

S's

She's swaddled and sucking here, and she's about to be swung. That's right, we have another fussy infant on our hands here. How it could happen that I have gone FOUR for FOUR on fussy newborns I don't know. It really, REALLY doesn't seem fair. It also doesn't seem fair that I am so sick and that I have gotten Felicity sick. It doesn't seem fair that I have had this hacking, horrible cough for more than a month, and that I am always holding this baby and that every time I cough, which is every time I breathe practically, I bounce her around on my chest. The clear message that I am getting from having children is that LIFE ISN'T FAIR. I would like to say I KNOW! I GOT IT! OKAY ALREADY!

She has been nursing like a crazed lunatic today, hours and hours. She is SUPER fussy when she starts to nurse, bashing around at me. I still have to use that nursing shield, so it's awkward. I'm trying to pull up my shirt, pull down my nursing bra, put on the shield, hold her head and get her to nurse, all the while listening to her SCREAM and CRY. Then she starts to nurse and then she gags and makes a face like I have just stuck her face in a big bowl of poo. It's very good for the ego, sheesh.

I know it will only be THIS particular brand of rotten for a few more weeks. There is a big change at six weeks, for me, with nursing. Then maybe I'll get better at some point and that will help. Maybe SHE will get better at some point and that will help. Maybe the newborn baby smell will wear off and the girls will stop being so crazy and that will help. She'll turn 12 or 16 weeks and that will help. But for right now. It's pretty bad. It's as bad as it can be with such a cute baby. Sometimes if I am really mad or sad I just look at that cute nose and poof! I feel better. Or I try and look at her like Maria and Veronica do, like she is the best baby doll they ever had. She really is cute and she is still my favorite, don't tell anyone, because she can't help it that she's being such a jerk. She doesn't even really know where she is yet, her eye sight is still bad! Two more weeks and two more days and she'll be six weeks and then maybe things will start looking up. In the mean time, I take pictures and I keep moving. My floors are clean as hell because she likes the sling and the vacuum!